Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
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