The maid of honor just puked.
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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