sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
