I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
