I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I touched a dick in church today
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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