Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
