Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
