I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
