And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
