nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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