my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
i think i just lost a toe
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
