my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
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