I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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