At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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