I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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