a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Randomize
