gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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