legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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