This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
