I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
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