i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
