Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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