How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I think a kid would responsible me up
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
They left me at home... I'm a liability
Randomize
