The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
We are two peas in an std pod
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
