Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
