its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Randomize
