Apparently you make a good broom.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
