It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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