i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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