He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Randomize
