Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize