Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Randomize
