Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
