the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
