I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
