Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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