connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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