i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
