sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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