i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
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