Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
