Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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