Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Randomize
