Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
