If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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