my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
