Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
