so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
