You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Randomize
