im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
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