I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
