life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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