My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
