I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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