If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
