You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
