I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
