life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
