Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
