thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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