I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Randomize
